Sharing this with you, Sisters, may help me feel better during this important time in my life: processing how I feel about Dad passing, then and especially now, how I feel about the abuse, ...about him, ...about him/my Dad, that sort of thing. Not the type of subject that I bring up casually;)
Maybe you relate, have insight, or have learned something from this. Please DO share your feelings, thoughts, if so moved.
He passed 4 years ago. It seems the grieving has just begun. I was surprised that there was barely a tear, and can't say I've missed him really. But now, you could say, the "stuffing it"/keeping it at bay, has lifted, and tears are here, in this moment. It's because, he's my DAD.
These past years, I've felt closer to him, now that he's "gone". His "person" was big, at times: manipulative, fake, loud, overbearing, narcissistic, unavailable in most ways. The abuse, all types, towards me, happened to one degree and type, or another, throughout my life, (except the physical stuff ended while I was still at home), until he began antidepressant/antianxiety meds in his 80's.
But, to the largest extend, most of it ended when I moved out, and when I stopped seeing him, much later I spoke up to him over the years and confronted him, and the rest of the family (which is another story).
Enough history. Some random thoughts to express the processing in words: I DO love him. He's my Daddy. He was there. His money clothed me, fed me, and more. He was proud of me, (that I created a successful business. That meant a lot to me.) It's so easy to focus on the abuse - what he "did" to me. The shame is the kicker. Even writing this, I feel fear of backlash, from myself. This is heavy stuff, for me, that I'm opening to, again, on a new level.
I'm seeking support and wanting "witnesses" - wanting to be "with" others, rather than processing all alone.
He was broken and he did what he knew. He did some things when he was drinking, in a black out, perhaps. He kept up his phoniness, as a way of lying to himself as well. Being unconscious, much of the time. I'm sad for him, my mom, and others that aren't living the life I have. I've put these feelings away for a long time, because they're painful. Not to mention, depressing!
Recently, I heard that song, by Adele, 'Hello'. I became so triggered and sad by it and began turning it off, each time. When I asked, 'Why', it came to me, that my father was trying to say, 'I love you, I'm here with you, I'm your Did.' I broke down sobbing. I remembered the time he held my hand when I was very upset. His hand was nervous and shaking. I wonder if it was him being vulnerable. That touches me - that memory. It was real. That I'll keep in my heart. Hahhhhhhhh. Love heals