One of my exercise teachers and I got close, sort of. (I like to call it a 'false-sense of intimacy friendship. Because there is openness about oneselves re: experiences, however, knowing to myself, that this person was unavailable for "a real" intimate friendship (non-sexual). It's a gut feeling, a knowing, and by what they say, and don't say. This was helpful to know, so that, when we had a disagreement, I knew that talking about it in a mature, non-dysfunctional way, could be a long-shot, an opportunity (CHALLENGE). And boy oh boy, was it! She actually opened the discussion, and was I blindsighted, and unprepared. Her focus was on blame, judgment of me, and void of how she felt, and more of what I said or did. (My arm has begun to itch - a sign that this topic is anxiety-provoking. At the same time, it's valuable to share.)
I offered compassion, and again, her focus stayed on more of the same above. I felt awful and did the best I could to stay focused on sharing my feelings rather than 'what she did, said, and judging her.'
(We had had a misunderstanding a week prior to this conversation)
After the discussion, I felt awful and was obsessing about it. Then I did some of the Work of Byron Katie. That helped. And then I put it to Spirit to work out the details of understanding, forgiveness, and to send love.
I was able to let it let go of me. Yeh! What relief. I'm back to peace and easy go lucky.
I learned that during the conversation, by focusing on each other explaining themselves, which lead to more misunderstandings, actually, could have been better served by focusing on feelings , mirroring back and giving understanding. Also, if I had prepared for this, I would have been better able to hear her "rejections", deflections, and understand her flight and aggressive attitude. (Her survival techniques.) Instead, I put my head in the sand (passivity - a survival tactic.)
God bless us all that attempt this sort of intimate conversation. The more "loaded with baggage", that it is, the more (difficult): opportunity for growth. I'm grateful to have had this experience and REALLY grateful to be on the joy side of it now, rather than on the learning end. And again, I appreciate the learning, too, so that I can grow and mature myself.
Love us and thanks for reading this sisters! Bless you on this journey of intimacy:)