Yesterday, I mindfully selected a Dove, single serving dark chocolate from our deep red, glass candy dish. Each little Dove bite is wrapped in red foil with a message printed on the inside. I open them carefully so the thin foil won't tear. If the message is particularly moving, I know that I will want to smooth it all out and place it somewhere special - where I am most likely to revisit that first joy again and again.
"NICE", I hear my soul saying, "I needed this and I welcome this"!
I smoothed out the little foil square and placed it near my computer (paper stand).
"Show up without reservation".
Do you get the same AHHHHHH - UMPFFFFF that I get?
This morning, I meandered through the typical rituals of: morning coffee, gratitude in the backyard sanctuary, conversation with my Partner, brushing Sandi (one of our 2 mane coon boys), called my Mother, texted my Son, checked-in with some of my FB Family and Friends, shook the rugs, made breakfast, did the dishes.... Then, I sit and breathe (OxyStyle) and remember -
"Show up without reservation" . . .
And I think,
And I feel,
And I sense.
This is the moment that I decide to unleash something that has been knocking on my heart for five years now - "STUCK SOME, one journey of awareness and empowerment"!
You see, in April, 2009, I received notice that I would be required to end my three-year tour of duty in support of the Community Based Warrior Transition Unit, Sacramento, CA, in order to train-up and deploy to Kabul, Afghanistan with my (then) home-based National Guard Unit from Vermont. I confronted my inner conflicts about military service and a pervasive haunting that I may not perform as well as I would want (I was already experiencing some chronic musculoskeletal pain due to 19 years of Active and Reserve Service ... over running, lifting, etc, etc,) and that my authentic nature as a Peace Builder might never feel "right", "heard", "respected", "welcomed", "nurtured" - because I might get in the WAY of inviting her to SHOW UP, without reservation and in the ways that would allow my authentic essence (not ego) to thrive and be of service even in a war zone! The whole contradiction tore me up inside and I wanted to document this part of my 49 year journey.
I started writing. I knew that I could get a lot of stuff down on paper, before I left the U.S. (7 JAN 2010), if I could just be committed to my writing a little every day (yes, even in break-through decision, I was STUCK SOME). I needed to accomplish this vision just in case I came back too wounded to write or returned KIA. We all prepare for that even if we are "technically" in a "relatively safe" support role. In my case, I ended-up as the Medical Company Commander and traveled off Camp Phoenix, outside of Kabul City, only six times.
What message or legacy did I want to leave behind?
"STUCK SOME" was born during that very introspective time. I wanted to leave my Son, Family and Friends with my story of yearning, performing, dreaming, failing, winning, and the pervasive inner battle with CHOOSING in a culture of OVERWHELM and saturation... "Stuck Some" is essentially about remembering and releasing the somewhat universal struggle of living a journey blessed/cursed with infinite options laced with indecision and self doubt - which path am I to take, how fully shall I or will I invest in this choice I make since a new attraction will surely appear and grab some portion of my squandered attention! Can you feel the partial paralysis in this perception? How do we LET STUCK GO?
"STUCK SOME" is also about sharing that part of me that is UNSTUCK.... and figuring out how I can make more of that.
I hope to come here often and look forward to your feedback along the UNSTUCK way.
So, this blog, for me (US), is the beginning of an idea which has floundered in my soul and is now SHOWING-UP, WITHOUT RESERVATION to acknowledge that we are ALL A little STUCK SOME and UNSTUCK.
May Peace Prevail On Earth,
Major Renee' Marie
showing up as: Speech-Language Pathologist, Army Medical Service Corps Officer, Volunteer World Peace Representative for the World Peace Prayer Society (www.worldpeace.org), artist, published poet, imagineer, new BraveHeart Sister.